… and too tired and outside myself to do much.
Lots of mail in front of me, but haven't opened a single envelope in weeks. Bills most of them, me thinks – people always want money. This is serious, but maybe not the way most people immediately tend to think when money and bills are mentioned in the first paragraph anywhere.
Last time I looked my bank accounts had an excellent balance, so paying bills isn't a problem. That is: the process itself is a problem, and I can't seem to get started even though the bank terminal is right in front of me. All bills are paid via the internet, or rather that is how I used to do it until about two months ago. Now I can think about doing it, but not actually do it. Sounds crazy I know…
Problems and causes are pretty much the same as last time I wrote a blog post. Time hasn't solved much of anything so far, even if the pain in my leg and elsewhere isn't half as bad now as it was three weeks ago.
Still, if I don't fill myself up with enough pain killers every few hours, it soon feels as bad as, and at times even worse than, it did a couple of months ago.
So, how on earth can I sit here and write blog posts, but not get all the other, seemingly simpler, things that must be done, out of the way? Well, somehow I hardly have to be awake to do what I am doing now, but still cannot for the life of me figure out how to get going with anything else no matter how well I feel at the moment.
Don't know for sure how these things work, but after 35 years of programming and related activities, my brain has become programmed in a sense. Writing and coding is second nature to me – usually acquiring no real efforts. All else, even what can be done on the same laptop, is kind of blocked out now … mentally, not technically.
Feels really, really strange … as if I am no longer me…
an attempt at reprogramming
As it is my foggy brain that plays tricks on me, I write down things in an attempt to literally reprogram it by “talking” to myself. Lure my brain into changing gear, course and speed in a sense.
Right now I am in a form for “slow auto-mode”, and after around two months of that it is time to switch to “manual” – if only I could figure out how. I know such “mental switching” can be done – have done it before, but now it is as if I cannot find the right switches in my own brain to remove the blockage.
It is probably those pain killers that throws me off. But, until the leg pain is reduced to an acceptable level on its own or through other means, there is nothing I can do about them.
With all the nerves that got cut back in November, and that now seem to work overtime to repair themselves, life is hell without those pain killer capsules.
we will see, I guess
I have no idea how the next days, weeks or months will be. A quirk that follows the mental state I am in right now, is that I literally could not care less how anything is or will be. Nothing really matters or upsets me now, even though parts of my brain do tell me to wake up to reality.
“The human mind is a confusing matter, better avoided”, is what I wrote somewhere on my other web site years ago. I feel that those words really are true these days, way more so than I thought back when I wrote them.
Hopefully ways and means can be found to sort out my mental state, sooner rather than later. Living like this is so damn tiring…
Update : Have been out of the opioid based pain killers for about 20 hours, and don't feel too good. Nerve-pain is striking all over both legs and in other parts of my body, and there's this disturbing “pulsing” in my inner ear.
Must get to the pharmacy to pick up the pills I ordered by phone with my doctor yesterday, because although my brain seemingly works better at some levels without drugs, the nerve-pain is really very bad at times. And, my failrate at doing simple things like writing these last few paragraphs, is up by at least a thousand percent.
Have to slow-down before attempting to quit using these pain killers, as now I can not sleep properly, nor function at all when awake….
02.apr.2014 - updated article at the end
last rev: 30.mar.2014